Anxious Me Part I

I. Can. Control. Everything. Or at least I’m trying to. Anxiety is a running theme in my role as a mommy and in my blog.  This post will strike some similar notes as a previous post Anxiety in My Mommy Head and Mommy Heart.  A few weeks ago, I began a series of posts in which I’m making attempts to find ways to lessen my anxiety by organizing things around me.  In this post, I will examine my anxiety in a bit more depth.  It seems to be getting worse and before I spin out of control, I want to take a deeper look at myself to see how I can get a handle on the anxious me.

Anxiety is completely irrational.  Not being able to control events, their outcomes or my kids really gets my anxiety going.  While I realize those three things are impossible, my body struggles against this fact.   I feel on edge and every little thing bothers me.  My chest feels tight, my whole body feels tense and I feel out of control.  I think it’s the “what if” aspects that are the most difficult for me.  It’s like a choose your own adventure in my head without the fun.  I brace myself for multiple outcomes at once, so much so, that I feel like I’m having panic attacks.  This past weekend, we were swimming in my mom’s pool. I was holding Hunter while he played on the steps and tried to walk right into the water without regard for where he was walking.  I had a grip on him, but I felt panicked.  I was so overwhelmed with worry that I asked Joe to hold him instead.  Joe didn’t handle him to my satisfaction (maybe this isn’t possible), as my anxiety only got worse.  My mom took over and I felt confident that she wouldn’t let him fall into the water.  This is not to say that Joe intended for this to happen, (again, I never said I was being rational).  At the time, I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like bursting into tears.  I was so overwhelmed with the any number of things that could happen to him.  What exactly did I think would happen?  I don’t know, but I was trying to prepare for all of them, and control anything that might cause him harm or upset.  Looking back, rationally, what was the worst that would’ve happened?  He might have gone under water for a second, but he wouldn’t have drowned, we were right there.  He was okay, but I wasn’t.

I don’t want my anxiety to affect my kids.  I want to be able to relax around them and just let them play.  Live and let live, as they say.  If something were to happen, it would be awesome to just be able to react at that point and not try to predict and prevent what might happen.  Trying to do that is making me feel sick.  I’ve even been getting heartburn, which is abnormal for me.  Joe tells me I need to relax before I have a stroke and tells me I should have a drink.  If the fix could be as easy as drinking wine, doesn’t he think I would do that?  My mom and sisters with the best of intentions (not to say that Joe doesn’t have the same intentions, I just don’t think he understands how I’m feeling) think medicine might be the answer.  

I began taking Prozac at age sixteen for depression.  As an adult I was diagnosed with chronic depression.  I stopped taking anti-depressants when I found out I was pregnant with Zoey.  Since then I haven’t felt the need for medication, until now. Maybe my body chemistry changed during my pregnancy, but a blood test early in my pregnancy revealed I have a underactive thyroid, so I began taking medicine for it.  As there is a correlation between thyroid and depression, maybe my thyroid had been the cause of my depression all along.  I don’t know, but it’s panic that’s consuming me now.

I’ve always been a worry wart and I don’t know if this is something I can change.  I don’t worry as much about Zoey getting physically hurt as I do with Hunter.  He’s still a baby and not as sturdy on his feet as she is yet.  He’s also a little wild maniac that wants to do everything his sister does.  If she climbs on top of a tote box and jumps off, he also climbs up, stands up and bends his knees to jump too.  It’s just not possible to relax around this boy unless he’s asleep.

I have anxiety over things that may or may not happen in the future.  I’m aware, in part, that I’m worrying about things that will work themselves out and shouldn’t be worried about.  Zoey is tall and will be taller than most people her age probably for the rest of her life.  I over ponder about how this will affect her.  I’m trying to think of how I can make this easier for her.  Really, though, what can I do?  I can’t stop her from growing or shave a few inches off of her.  Other than teaching her to feel confident in who she is and that everyone is special in their own way, there isn’t much else I can do.  I can’t control how her height will affect her as she grows up.  I can’t stop the challenges that will come up for her and I shouldn’t.  The tough experiences will be the ones that give her character and make her who she is.   I need to change my mindset.  The phrase that pops into my head when I think about this is the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Perhaps this phrase should be my new mantra.

Before going the medication route, which I’ll have no problem doing, if I can’t help myself, I want to see what sort of control I can gain over my anxiety.  Can I talk myself out of my irrational thoughts?  Can I find a Zen parenting style that will help me relax and go with the flow?  Is there some sort of self talk or meditation exercise I can do when I start losing my rationality and begin feeling needlessly anxious?  Stay tuned as I search for a way to stay sane on my own. 

Clutter Be Gone

Not nearly the worst it's ever been!

If I had a magic wand I’d wave it around my house yelling “Clutter be gone!”  Unfortunately, magic wands only work in fairy tales.  Hold on a minute, you say, what does clearing the clutter have to do with parenting? Everything.  Clearing the clutter will clear my head, making me a more content, less stressed mommy, and will make for a warm, welcoming home that my family and I can relax and find things in!  Joe would say that our house isn’t cluttered or messy.  If only I could see it though his eyes, but when it takes us more than five minutes to find the remote, I beg to differ with just how uncluttered he thinks we are.  On my quest to get myself and my home organized, clearing the clutter is high on the list.  I don’t have time to read books on the subject, so off to Google and Pinterest I go.

Benefits to Getting Clutter-free (from Oprah.com)

• Emotional benefits: When your space is neat, clear and free from clutter, you'll notice a change in the way you feel about your life and your relationships. Your rooms fulfill the functions you've chosen for them. Gathering places are comfortable for friends and family. Your bedroom is a romantic oasis. Enjoy the peace, pride and satisfaction that come with living the life that you've chosen for yourself.
  
• Financial benefits: When you organize your papers, your financial life improves. You can work toward paying off debt. Bill are paid on time. Not only that, when you start looking at all the stuff you own but don't use or appreciate, it should help you buy fewer items and spend less money. When you spend less time shopping, you spend more time finding new interests, being active in the outdoors, being with your family and friends.
  
• Time benefits: Gone are the minutes and hours spent cursing yourself or blaming the dog for eating your homework. When everything has a place, getting ready in the morning takes less time. You won't be late. You won't forget important dates or arrive at a meeting without critical papers. Tax time is a breeze (except for the check-writing part). You will feel more relaxed, confident and in control. Your time belongs to you, not your stuff.
  
• Space benefits: The less clutter you have in your house, the more you can reap the benefits of free space. Now your family can sit down at the dining room table and enjoy a meal together. Now your family room is a comfortable place to relax. Now you can have friends over or host a spontaneous party. Gone is the shame and embarrassment of having a home that bears no resemblance to the person you want to present to the world. Revel in your space. Host parties. Show off! You've earned it.

These benefits make me feel vindicated.  When I’m in my home and can’t see the floor and can’t walk around without stepping on toys, I feel like I’ve got bugs crawling all over me and I can’t relax. It’s amazing how much more calm I feel when I can see the floor beneath my feet and the counters are clear.  I've made attempts at keeping the toys organized, but five minutes later they are strewn about again and I don’t have the energy to keep up with the mess.  There has got to be a better way to keep these things organized!  Also, as I mentioned in my last post, when we moved into our apartment almost two years ago, I just shoved things away.  Some of those things have yet to see the light of day since then and that’s a clue to me now, that things like those board games that I thought we might play someday, won’t be getting played. Either way, I see trash cans, several donations and maybe a garage sale in my future.  

Some stuff will be easier and quick to get rid of such as the baby stuff that we no longer need.  There will be no babies following Hunter, so baby stuff be gone!  That means you Breast Pump, that has been sitting on a pile of shoes on a shelf in my closet, let’s find some boobs that need you!  And hey you What to Expect When You’re Expecting, I no longer need to know, let’s find someone who doesn’t know what to expect.  And to the maternity shirts I’ve held onto and sometimes sleep in, no more lounge wear for you, you’re out of here too!  Wow, I’m feeling good, but this is easy to say, the actual time and digging around it will take to make this happen isn’t going to be so effortless.

Helpful Advice

*  Make a list of goals

*  Don’t do it all at once, one drawer, one shelf, one section of the closet at a time

*  Have a plan with what you will do with the stuff you’ll be getting rid of (toss, sell,     

donate) and clean it up right away--don’t let it clutter your house up more or you’ll give up

*  Find “a place for everything that matters”

*  The In-Out Rule--this can work for clothes and toys, when you get something new, get rid of something old

Tip for What to do If You Can’t Decide What to Do

*  The one year box-if you’re unsure if you should get rid of something or not, put it in a box seal it, date it one year into the future and when the time comes and the box is still sealed, without opening it, donate it.

*  Hang clothes backwards on their hangers: turn all your hangers the wrong way, after  you wear something turn the hanger the right way, after a year get rid of the clothes that you haven’t worn

My Plan

Our bookcases

I began this get organized series to help my brain dead brain return to the living with photo organization.  My last blog post details how I will do that.  This will be my first priority.  Once I get caught up on choosing, editing and naming my photo files and begin creating my yearly Blurb book, (the new year is right around the corner) I will bust out my magic wand.  After the photos, I will tackle my clothes.  Much of the clothes that are clogging my dresser drawers are a couple sizes too big.  Thankfully, I’m smaller than I was before I got pregnant and as I don’t desire to ever fit into these larger clothes again, these will be the first to go.  As for the clothes that I haven’t worn in forever--see ya!  And to the clothes that whenever I go through my closet I think “I should wear that sometime,” but never do, you’ll be hanging on a backwards hanger and probably gone in a year.  While I’m in the closet, I might as well look into old purses and shoes.  Then I think I’ll move onto my bookcase.  I have a nook (electronic reader) and haven’t bought an actual book in years.  I used to work at a bookstore and have a bookcase full of unread books (advanced copies or books I bought along the way) as well as some old favorites.  I don’t have time to read.  Any free second I have goes to writing this blog and whatever I have left after that will go to organizing and clearing the clutter. Reading, which I absolutely love, will have to wait until I get more organized or the kids get older.  I don’t think I’ll be able to bear to part with any of these books, but maybe I can get rid of some of them. 

Toy Organization Ideas

*  One in one out--when you get a new toy have the kid choose one toy to donate (same should go for clothes too)

*  Give everything a home 

*  Use labels (pictures and words labels on boxes)

*  Put small toys into ziplock bags or buckets

*  Toy rotation-switch out toys every month or so.  Toys will be like new and as there will be less toys and they will play with the ones that are there, as there will be less of them. (While I love this idea, to do this I would have to drag boxes up and down the stairs and outside to our garage--I don’t realistically think I would do this) 

*  Use clear kitchen canisters or clear cookie jars for small toys or art stuff such as crayons.

As I mentioned I have attempted to get these toys organized, but after mere minutes the kids have already dragged the toys out and scattered them about again.  I attempt to keep pieces of toys that are supposed to go together together, but it hasn’t succeeded.  I tried labels, but I’m the only one that used them.  I’m going to try something new.  I will label clear plastic shoe box sized boxes with a photo and a label.  This will make is easier for Zoey, Hunter and Joe(!) to help clean up.  For example, Mr. Potato Head and his various pieces (once I find them) will be in a box with a picture of the complete Mr. Potato head and a label that reads “Mr. Potato Head.”  Because what's the point of having Mr. Potato head’s head floating around if you can’t give him a face?  Currently, I keep toys with many pieces (such as the Little People) and large objects (such as the Little People house, bus, circus and Zoey’s princess castle) on a shelf in Zoey’s closet.  She can’t reach this shelf and she has to ask to play with it.  When we are done with those toys we put them back in the boxes and back up in the closet.  This works well.  I will attempt to do this with more toys.  This will be my version of rotating toys.  I will switch off what I put on the shelves they can reach and if she wants to play with something on the high shelf she can and then we’ll make sure it gets back up there when she’s done.  

I’m going to go through and take out the baby toys (any rattles, etc) that might still be floating around) and get them to a baby that needs them.  I’m going to go through the overflowing box of stuffed animals and see what I can donate to kids that could use a new friend. I will have to do this when Zoey isn’t around and I would never be able to get rid of something I know she loves.  Stuffed animals seem to make their way into your heart and are so hard to let go of.  I still have some from when I was a kid that Zoey plays with now.   

From the kids stuff, I will move on and out and eventually get through the whole house.  It will take me many months to make this happen, maybe even a year.  I’m going to try not to stress about it and do what I can when I can, just one drawer at a time!  I’m looking forward to the day when I can sit and relax in my organized clutter free home.  Who am I kidding?  This will probably never happen, nothing is ever perfect, especially with kids around, but I’m sure going to try!  I’ve got my goals and thankfully, I’ve got some good tips to help guide me on my way because I still can’t get this magic wand to work. 

Say Cheese

I take thousands of pictures of my kids.  They aren’t all frame worthy gems, but I have gazillions of them and I treasure them.  Once I bought my iPhone, which takes amazing quality snaps, I’ve been in love and snapping away.  I always have my phone with me and I see photo opportunities everywhere, most often when I’m with my kids.  We bought an expensive camera made by Canon when Hunter was born, but I rarely use it.  The camera is unwieldy and it’s not nearly as portable as my phone.  Most of the time I keep my iPhone in my pocket where it’s in easy reach to click off pics in seconds.  I can’t say the same for the camera, which I would have to rush off to get, and by the time I was finally ready to take a picture, the moment I wanted so desperately to catch would be gone.  I was playing with the kids in their room this weekend and Zoey was making a tower with her blocks.  She wanted to make one that was taller than her.  Hunter knocked it over a few times and she had to start over.  I helped her hold it upright and she made a tower that wasn’t as tall as she is standing, but was taller than her in a sitting position.  I had my phone with me and took a picture of her with it.  About thirty seconds later, Hunter knocked it down again and Zoey, upset, folded her arms across her chest, I was able to capture that moment too.

As is the modern problem, I now have more pictures than ever before.  I began to wonder if I should continue to print them or find something else to do with them?  Putting them into albums takes up so much more space and I rarely take the time to thumb through the albums anyway.  I don’t have an inch of storage space left, the albums I have are crammed together in a cabinet and are inconvenient to get to.  I would rather sit at the computer and watch a slideshow than go through the trouble of pulling these albums out.  

I’ll still print photos I want to frame, but have decided I’ll stop printing them in mass.  I literally had a stack of hundreds of photos on my bookcase from events that happened over a year ago.  I took some half filled photo albums out a few months back with the intent to stick these photos inside.  I was overwhelmed as I couldn’t easily ascertain when the photos were taken and the order they should go in.  The daunting task of sitting at the computer (with kids crawling all over my lap) to get the dates and label all of these photos was too much to bear and I didn’t do it.  So, the picture envelopes and the photos albums collected dust.  In the meantime, of course, I took thousands more pictures and printed even more of them.  My stack of Costco photo envelopes grew and the dust continued to collect--that is until now.

Now, I have a plan.  I don’t want to get so far behind that I won’t ever catch up.  Life will only get busier and I want my memories to be accessible.  This past weekend I was determined to get a handle on this.  I put on a movie for Zoey, put Hunter down for a nap and set to work.  It went against all of my sensibilities, but I didn’t look up the dates on which the pics were taken.  Instead, I grouped together as many as I could into piles by event, like Zoey’s third birthday party,  As I said, I was very behind, Zoey will be four next month. I quickly wrote the month and year, if I was sure, on the backs and began plugging the photos into their clear plastic homes in a race against time, before Hunter woke up.  Zoey dug around me and snatched some photos for an album of her own.  Some I fought her on taking and some I let her have without a second thought.  I know that a fair amount of these pictures are out of order.  How old was Hunter in that photo, versus that one and that one?  It was hard to say, he’s grown so fast.  I hated to do it, but I continued to guess on the placement.  With about thirty photos left I ran out of space in the albums I had.  I won’t be buying more.  I placed these pictures back into the Costco envelope from whence they came and shoved them, along with the photo albums, back into the overstuffed cabinet.  

I will be doing things differently from now on.  I found my photo saving grace on Pinterest (you can follow me there: Trisha Harmon and see my repins, if you’re a member). I searched for photo organization and got lucky.  I’m excited about the new way I will be bottling time with pictures for my family.  I have some backtracking to do, in regard to organizing my digital files, but I have a plan and will chip away at it until I catch up. Once I’m caught up, after I take pictures, I will edit and name them the same day, so I don’t get behind again. 

On Pinterest I came across a Blog called A Thousand Words and had to look no further.  Check out the specific post that will save me or if you have a pinterest account, here’s the pin.  This blogger’s post has photo organization ideas that I love, from the Expedit bookcases (from IKEA), to naming and saving digital files, to making yearly slide shows and printing a yearly photo book.  I borrowed some of her photos below.  

The expedit bookcases.  I don’t have a great deal of space right now, but eventually I think these would be great to have.

An example of how to label picture files:

Year Month Day Description

Blogger Jen, from A Thousand Words, uses and recommends Blurb for her photo books.  I have heard about this site before.  A while back, when I first started thinking about this, I posed a question on Facebook: Does anyone print pictures anymore?  A friend from high school, Meredith, told me she maintains a family blog on which she posts her best family photos and journals about them.  Similar to Jen, she uses Blurb and at the end of the year she prints a book of her postings.  I love this!  I will be doing this with Bottling Time at the end of the year.  Blurb isn’t just for photo books, it’s also a place where you can self publish books, such as children’s and photo essay books. These books will take up less space than a photo album and you can choose from different layouts and styles and add descriptions or stories.  It seems amazing and excited about using this site.  Once I get my photos (I will go back to the beginning of 2012) edited and labeled I will begin working on adding these to blurb and begin creating my book.  It’s set up so photos can be added to throughout the year and at the end I can order a book.  There are so many of sites out there today that do photo books and I can’t say if this one is better or not, but the prices and quality seem good and it’s got word of mouth, which is good enough for me. 

I also came across two other cool things on pinterest that I wanted to share.  I came across a really cute video from Kodak about keeping, protecting and sharing your photos.  Click here (Kodak)  and take the time to watch it, you won’t be disappointed.  

Also, are your kids art projects coming out of your ears? There’s a phone app for that!  It works along the same idea as Blurb, but is specific for kids artwork.  It’s called ArtKive and was free when I downloaded it (I think it’s just for iPhones right now).  You simply take pictures of your children’s artwork, and add in the dates, etc, then eventually you can print this into a coffee table book.  Zoey loves painting and we already have a box of her artwork that we add to almost everyday.  I framed her first painting but don’t think it’s realistic to save every master piece.  I don’t think I’ll have the heart to throw away every one, but knowing I would have a record of them in a coffee table sure would make it easier to fathom.  Technology is an amazing thing and it’s going to help me organize my memories!

What are you doing with your photos now?

Google Therapy?

There’s not much about me that’s Zen-like.  I don’t have time for that deep breathing mumbo jumbo, though I have tried it before and it always felt a little weird to me.  It’s also entirely possible that I wasn’t doing it right.   Are there super organized, centered moms that make time for this?  There must be, but I’m nothing if not scatterbrained.  My brain is cluttered and unfocused; it’s working overtime and not getting paid.  I need to find a way to shut it down, to turn off the perfectionist control button.  Maybe meditation is the answer, if I can find a way to do it correctly. 

My brain isn’t the only part of my life that’s unorganized; it’s anything and everything around me.  I barely have time to do important tasks, such as paying bills, little alone do things for myself, like writing the teen novel that has been floating around in my head, for years, waiting to be shared with the world.  I have an ever growing stack of pictures that need to be dated and placed in photo albums and milestones to be filled out in baby books.  I need the impossible: more time in my days. Perhaps I just need to get better at managing the time I do have.  

I was pregnant with Hunter when we moved into our apartment almost two years ago.  I unpacked by shoving items into various closets and cabinets, telling myself I would organize it later.  Who was I kidding? I was a tired working mommy (Zoey was two at the time) that was about to have a baby!  There was no way I would ever have time to go back and organize.  Of course, I didn’t, and all that stuff remains in the same place today.  If I could get my house more organized, making sure everything had a “home” and then we (hubby and kids included!) all made an effort to get everything to stay in said place, then I might feel less scattered inside.  Why can’t I find Hunter’s butt cream when I need it?  It’s either hiding under the couch or buried beneath a pile of toys.  Why can’t it be in a convenient location, like the diaper bag or the bathroom?  And while the search is on for the butt cream, I forgot where I put my brain, can we look for that too?  

Writing my weekly blog has made me realize I might be a little crazy.  I think I might be worrying about every little detail of my kids’ lives too much.   The next thing that happens, like Hunter falling off the couch, that I attempted to control, but couldn’t, just might give me a heart attack.  While I want to be conscious of my parenting decisions, I think it would be healthier for all of us if I let go a little bit. Is this a realistic goal for me? I don’t know, but an adjustment needs to be made somewhere and it needs to happen inside me.  Where’s that switch?

How can I get my unfocused brain to narrow in on something that might be helpful to me?  Is there an easy answer and where should I start looking for it?  Well, perhaps I should start at the place most of us turn in situations like this: Google.  I will search for ways to deal with all of my brain clogged, unorganized, over-parenting ways.  Then I’ll write a series of posts that focus on improving myself one week at a time.  I’m begin my search with the basics: organizing tips and tricks.  Maybe I can finally get my pictures and the gazillion toys floating around our place organized.  Then maybe I’ll look up Zen parenting techniques (deep breathing here I come?) or anything else that might help bring back my sanity and make me a better parent.  Somewhere in the endless possibilities of the web, I’m hoping to find some light bulb flashing, inspiring ideas (I hear Pinterest calling my name).  Fingers crossed that I will find ways to help me clear the clutter around and inside of me, so I can become more present and relaxed in life, but most of all with my kids.

What do you think I search for in that Google box to help me on my journey?  If you have come across anything that might help me improve myself, please share! 

Zoey Starts Preschool, I Reflect

The smell of glue, graham crackers and puppy love are what I remember from my preschool years.  Yes, I was just four years old when I had my first crush.  His name was Tyler and we were in the Green class together.  I have only one memory of him, but somehow my heart hasn’t forgotten.  He had been out sick for a while with the chicken pox.  The day he came back I was so nervous.  He still had red scabs all over his face and because this freaked me out a little bit.  I hid from him behind a wall in the play area with my friend, Jenny.  We peeked out at him as he settled into a chair.  Those fews moments are the extent of my memory of Tyler and my love for him.  

I have a couple other memories of preschool, like being on the playground, the other kids playing nosily around me.  I remember playing alone in the play house with my shy metaphorical turtle shell on. I also recall waiting outside with the others kids for our moms to pick us up.  I clutched my backpack, as I sat cross-legged against a wall in front of the parking lot.  The parents lined up in their cars.  The cars crept slowly forward as the kids were shuffled into them.   I think it just happened once, but I remember sitting alone, as my mom’s car was the last car one day.  I think the fear of not being picked up was there, but I knew it wasn’t possible, she would come for me, and she did. 

Zoey's first day

We’ve been preparing Zoey for preschool for weeks now.  We’ve made sure she understood that we wouldn’t be there with her, that her daddy would drop her off and pick her up a few hours later.  We played up our enthusiasm and succeeded in getting her excited for her first day of school.  At bedtime, in the weeks leading up to her first day, I read her the books First Day of School by Nora Gaydos and First Day Jitters by Julie Danneberg to help prepare her. We talked about all the cool things she would do, like art projects, snack time, singing and story time.  She never seemed nervous leading up to the big day and I hoped that meant we took the scary out for her.  

I debated taking her on the first day of school.  I soon realized that it probably wasn’t the best idea and wouldn’t be good for either of us.  If she happened to start crying, I knew I inevitably would too and wouldn’t want to leave her.  For these reasons, it was best that Joe take her.  He wouldn’t have any qualms leaving her.  I decided instead to use the last bit of personal time I had left at work and took half a day off.  I would surprise her by picking her up.  That morning, I sat at work with my fingers crossed, hoping the drop off would go without a hitch.  

It turns out, as usual, I had worried for nothing.  Zoey’s first day went wonderfully, there were no tears and no drama (at times our girl can be dramatic).  I was a proud and happy mommy!  Joe said she seemed a little freaked out when some of the other kids cried at the prospect of being left behind.  She was okay, though, knowing Joe wasn’t leaving her forever.  Joe also mentioned that Zoey looked down at the ground and shy’d up when the teachers introduced themselves to her, but I hadn’t expected any less from my shy girl.  In the end, I think we deserve some credit for her successful first day.  She knew what to expect and that the teachers would take care of her.  

Zoey's painting

That afternoon, I waited impatiently outside Zoey’s classroom.  I peeked in through a small window in the door.  I saw her lined up outside near the playground, waiting to come back into the room.  She was okay, of course she was!  She kept looking back at the girl behind her.  A little before 3:30 the teacher opened the door for the waiting parents.  I kept my eyes on Zoey as I stood in line behind the other parents waiting to sign her out for the day.  I watched her face until she saw me.  She smiled, then did a quick double take, checking to make sure it was really me. The kids were all sitting patiently in a circle, their paintings clutched in their hands.  Zoey looked tired, she had woken up early that morning, before six (she has this thing about wanting to watch me put my makeup as I get ready for work and has been waking up to do this).  I knew she was feeling a little overwhelmed by the newness of the day she had just had.  I finally got to the front of the line and said I was there to pick up “my daughter, Zoey.”  My grin couldn’t have been bigger as I watched my girl, who was growing up way too quickly, walk toward me.  I asked if she was surprised to see me.  She said she was, then she put her painting behind her back and said she had a surprise for me too.

When we got her sweater (the school said we should bring one everyday, because “weather can unpredictable” and even though it was still summer and hot, I followed this rule) out of her cubby.  She got upset that I didn’t take the emergency bag with the change of clothes and shoes they asked us to bring and leave there.  She was concerned about leaving it behind.  She said there was another girl in the class named Zoey and she thought she might accidentally take it.  I explained that no one would take her clothes, they would still be in her cubby the next time she went to school.   After some prodding, we finally made it to the car where Joe and Hunter were waiting.  As I buckled her seatbelt we asked her about her day.  She wan’t ready to talk about it yet and still seemed overwhelmed and a little cranky.  I knew she just needed some processing time.  I had a feeling that before long we wouldn’t be able to get her to shut her up about it. 

We took her to the Katella Deli bakery and let her pick out a treat to celebrate her big day.  She picked a ladybug sugar cookie.  As I had predicted, after we got home and she began chomping on her cookie, she opened up about her day.  When we asked what she did, she said they didn’t remember, so we asked her specific questions, like if she placed outside.  She said she yes, that she played with one of the girls that was sad when her mommy left.  I asked her if she talked to her.  She said no, she hadn’t talked to anyone.  I know it will be only a matter of time before she gets comfortable and begins using her voice at school. That night before she went to bed, I asked her what her favorite part of the day had been.  She said, “snack time,” she said they drank milk out of little white cups (I remember those tiny cups) and they ate graham cracker teddy bears.  It’s good to know that preschool hasn’t changed much.  I just hope her little heart doesn’t start to pitter patter for any of the boys in the class, that can wait.