If you get into the mindset of thinking about what you *could* be doing, you’ll never be happy doing what you actually *are* doing.--Leo Babauta
I’m trying to be as Zen as I can without too much effort. I’m just looking to change my mindset, not my religion. Happy in the now and fully present in the moment, calm and as worry free as possible is how I’d love to be. Zen Buddhism is ancient, complex and usually involves a teacher to guide you on your journey to enlightenment. I’m just going to scratch the surface of what it means to be Zen and be my own guide. I’ll gather some crumbs of wisdom that I can make my own and use to get myself back on track.
“[Buddha] taught people how to realize enlightenment for themselves. He taught that awakening comes through one's own direct experience, not through beliefs and dogmas.” From What Is Buddhism? An Introduction to Buddhism
“Ultimately, Zen is about coming face-to-face with yourself, in a very direct and intimate way. This is not easy.” From Zen 101: An Introduction to Zen Buddhism
Zen Habits is a website that pops up in google whenever I do a search for Zen. Leo Babauta’s writes about Zen principles in a simple, direct and enlightening way. In his post called How to Be Happy Anytime, he writes about the Now Mindset: “Let’s say you’re washing the dishes. Wouldn’t you rather be having a delicious meal instead, or talking with your best friend? Sure, those things are great, but they’re only better if you believe they’re better, and more importantly, the comparison is totally unnecessary. Why should you compare what you’re doing now (washing dishes) with anything else? Wouldn’t almost anything lose out if you compare it to something you like more? Will you ever be happy with what you’re doing if you always compare it with something you like more?...Washing dishes can be as great as anything else, if you decide to see it that way. You’re in solitude, which is a beautiful thing. If you do it mindfully, washing dishes can be pleasant as you feel the suds and water in your hands, pay attention to the dish and its texture, notice your breathing and thoughts. It’s meditation, it’s quiet, it’s lovely.”
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| To being present.... |
Last weekend as I was trying to load the dishwasher I had my own moment of enlightenment. The kids were noisy and everything felt chaotic around me, I was no where near feeling calm. Zoey was playing the drums on a big pot, wanting me to watch her and Hunter was at my feet, arms up, wanting to be picked up. Those kids weren’t making it easy to load the dishwasher. At first I felt like screaming, “Just let me do this!” Then I realized, I have two kids that I mean the world to and they just want to be near me and have my attention. While, I have to accept that this leaves little time for me to get things done and do things for myself, this isn’t going to last forever. Hunter isn’t always going to try to climb into the dishwasher and want to be held and Zoey won’t always want me involved and watching what she’s doing. I stopped and realized I should be thankful for this right now. So instead of being annoyed and so not calm that I couldn’t load the dishwasher the way I wanted to, I thought about this.
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| ...even in the messy moments! |
Last night when a screaming Zoey (because we wouldn’t let her watch another TV show) woke up Hunter, of course I was annoyed and pissed. It’s only after both of them are asleep that I can finally relax and get some me time. On nights such as last night, my me time is non-existent. But as I sat in the dark of their room, holding Hunter against m chest while Zoey shifted around on her bed, I wasn’t thinking that I’d rather be watching TV. Instead I listened to Hunter breathing and thought about how nice it was that Hunter was still baby enough to lay against my chest because this goes away. Instead of feeling annoyed that bedtime didn’t go as planned (and when does it?) I was content to be in the quiet with my kids. And it felt so much better to be present in that moment than being angry with Zoey for waking Hunter up.
It feels powerful to be at peace right where I am, not thinking about the past or the future, but the now. If I can sustain this new mindset, I know I will be happier. I know it will make me a better mom and person. While each moment isn’t going to be perfect, it’s the moment that I’m in and I can just be. Being upset about where I am or what I’m not doing will only make me feel anxious and angry. If I gain nothing else from my peek into being Zen, being able to remember and put this into practice might be enough.
In my search I came across the ebook, How To Be A Zen Mama by Betsy Henry. I downloaded it to my Nook (Barnes & Noble electronic reader) for $5.99. I liked it because it was specific to Zen and motherhood. The author has older kids and talks a bit about experiences (like homework and grades) that aren’t pertinent to me and my aged kids yet, but the ideas are good and will be helpful in the future. It’s a quick read and can be read in about an hour or so. I’ve pulled some quotes from the book that spoke to me:
“If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? --Shantideva
“The situation didn’t come to stay, it came to pass.” (I love this because it’s so true.)
“Let your children be who they are. Their failures are not a reflection of you. Their successes are not a reflection of you. And they will have both! And they should.”
“Everything that happens in life is a mixture of good and bad. Let things go and let them happen as they should. Try to be calm, don’t worry.”
“I hardly ever got mad before I had children. I discovered that anger is so natural! Some children bring out anger you never even knew existed! However if you’re angry all the time, your children will tune you out.”
“When you say things in anger you leave a mark.” I still hear the phrase from childhood that kids would chant on the playground “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Hurtful words cut into the heart and can leave a mark inside forever while a broken bone will heal.
“The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous.”--Anna Quindlen
“Don’t sweat the big stuff or the small stuff that hasn’t happened yet.”
“Worry, like anger, is a habit.”
“Sometimes we are overcome with what culture says to do. Listen to your children, listen to your gut and try not to worry. Life is happening as it should.”
“The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears.”--Ellen Goodman
“Now, this is a radical idea...let your children experience life....You will want to save them from having the same bad experiences that you have had. But they need to make mistakes because this shapes them into the person they will become.”
“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.”---Soren Kierkegaard
“Sometimes we yell at our children. We don’t mean to, but we do! The anger, the exhaustion and yes, disappointment at them not being the person we believed them to be, builds up and we sometimes explode. Later on or even right away, the guilt sets in. We all do it. Let go of the guilt and start by saying, “I’m so sorry.”
“Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.” --Rosaleen Dickson
I will end with the following quote, it sums up what I’m trying to do.
“To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about. To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To Let Go is not be in the middle of arranging outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own destinies. To Let Go is not to be protective, but to permit others to face reality. To Let Go is to fear less, and to love more.” --Author Unknown
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